just casually failing at this mummy business

<<so I've been trying to log on for weeks and had issues, but I am hoping I have no more.>>

 I'm sitting here at my desk, expressing, sipping litres off ice cold water, taking my vitamins, fenugreek, blessed thistle, motilium, expressing more water, always on this cycle and yet I get no more than 20mls per breast in 30mins of intense expressing. I attach my baby she drops off, reattach, she drops off, cries, I soothe her, pat her back, her bottom, rock her, lay her at my shoulder, patting her, comforting her, she burps, so I try to attach again. sometimes she attaches and drinks, for 5, 10, 20mins then drops off and cries. there's no hope in getting her to reattach, she's hungry. its time to give in, suck up my pride, guilt and shame. and give her a bottle.

 most nights I have a meltdown, crying throwing things, telling myself how much im failing at being a mum, I can't feed my own child, I can't comfort her, nurture her, give her the one thing I need to give her, my body is failing us and all I keep getting told is. it's ok if you can't breastfeed, formula is just as good.  they forget that I struggled to feed Dom, that I never had my milk come in despite my best efforts with Joaquin. that I cried every time I gave my children a bottle, every time they were sick, and sick they were. every time they were given prednisolone, antibiotics, then me having to give them pro-biotic's, vitamins everything I can to try and boost their immune system once again. something that wouldn't have happened if I could breastfeed.

so I sit here telling myself how much i'm failing and have failed my children because I want to do what's right, by myself and my children, because I keep telling myself that what was the point of a calm peaceful home birth if I give my child formula and give up breastfeeding, if I give up im telling my kids that when life gets hard, give up, find an easier solution then hate everyone who can do what you s desperately wanted.

but im not giving up, im going to make the next 4 weeks, im going to hit the 3 months mark, cos that's the hardest right? then if I can make it to 3months then I can continue til 6, then I can go another 6. and if I can make it to 12 months then well I can make it another 12 months. then it's up to my daughter whether she continues or doesn't. but I have to make it that' far. I have no choice. I will not fail her like I did my boys. I refuse to.  

and whilst im making sure I don't fail at breastfeeding, im going to be trying my hardest to become a peaceful parent. because while I couldn't breastfeed, will not fail at parenting my boys and showing them a loving, kind and understanding mummy.

talk about stressed out

so life as a mum of three has began, not a big change really other than not being able to make huge plans as I need to remember one little package needs to be frequently changed and fed. what has changed over the last few weeks is mr 3 has decided that he doesn't like sleep or naps for that matter. he refuses to sleep in his on bed, he wants the couch or the cot mattress on the lounge floor as long as dad is with him, but mostly he wants dads bed, its not mum &dads bed but just dads bed in dads room, mum can sleep elsewhere.
so now its a massive struggle to get him to sleep at night, to the point that bedtime routine isn't working, he just screams blue murder for hours, so im using sleep remedy to try and get him to relax but so far a week later nothing but issues. another thing that has started is his behaviour has become out of control, he's swearing to which he gets a small sprinkle of pepper on his tounge, he's throwing things across the room, and looses them. has become ultra demanding and now refuses to eat anything but peanut butter or nutella sandwich's.
Our routine has been thrown completely out of wack and im so sleep deprived that I have no idea where to start other than right back at the beginning and completely rewriting all day and night time routines which would take me days I don't have. I finally sat down and managed to write out my next 3 week of meal plan, but im not happy with it for some reason, it just doesn't quite look right.
but Ive decided that as of tomorrow, no matter what theyre back in routine and they have no choice but to suck it up and gow with the flow... im also hoping that our routine will allow me to write more, at least 2-3 times a week would be nice, especially given I need to collect my thoughts and feelings.  but for now we'll start at tomorrow and go from there :/ one c only hope it goes well before brad goes back to work

Starting again...

So I've wanted to write a blog for years, finally started one last year, then we had a big heart break and I ended up not being able to find the words I needed to express emotions,  I tried a few times to sit down and get somewhere but just couldn't do it.
so here I am starting again, with my fiancé cooking dinner because im too exhausted to stand up any longer after 4 hours of very broken sleep, my 2(7&3 1/2) incredibly insane children running around making heaps of noise which I'm drowning out with the headphones and Glee.
Im also 37weeks and 4 days pregnant, ive never been this pregnant before having had my boys at 36 and 35+4weeks each with their own issues and complications. this time I'm also planning on doing things heaps differently. I'm having a planned home water birth, completely natural, no pain relief, a pool that I can getting and out of whenever I need too, candles burning, lights low, music playing low in the background or thumping if I feel necessary as my midwife says lol. the only people in the house will be my midwife and my fiancé Brad. maybe a friend if she'd like to be my birth photographer and take those beautifully intimate shots but we'll see how that goes, otherwise i'll be asking mum to borrow her camera so brad can take them for me.
I was originally having my oldest son with me as well but he decided not because mum will be vocal and cry, yell, shout, swear, and be in heaps of pain, but because there might possibly be blood he said yeah no way mum, I can handle everything else but that.
 now fingers crossed my body holds out the next few days until im 38 weeks, when my midwife is back from holidays and from then its all lets go. I will admit though, im bloody terrified this time, I know what's to come but im also doing something completely different, im in a gestation im unsure of and most likely unless I go close to my due date or over that my oldest won't be around, so my anxiety will be sky high.
he goes to his dads tomorrow, for 2 whole weeks, he's so excited but worried mummy will have the baby, while im kinda happy for him to go and have holidays with his dad and paternal family as much as we will miss him, and the fact that my house will be quiet and I can organise things without stopping every 15minutes to break up an argument or a meltdown and i'll be able to organise and hopefully unclutter a few things without him will be a blessing while he's hopefully enjoying himself.  and spend some very much needed quality time with my 3 before bubs comes....

any way dinner is smelling good and calling my name, then its board games and a movie for doms last night here.