<<so I've been trying to log on for weeks and had issues, but I am hoping I have no more.>>
I'm sitting here at my desk, expressing, sipping litres off ice cold water, taking my vitamins, fenugreek, blessed thistle, motilium, expressing more water, always on this cycle and yet I get no more than 20mls per breast in 30mins of intense expressing. I attach my baby she drops off, reattach, she drops off, cries, I soothe her, pat her back, her bottom, rock her, lay her at my shoulder, patting her, comforting her, she burps, so I try to attach again. sometimes she attaches and drinks, for 5, 10, 20mins then drops off and cries. there's no hope in getting her to reattach, she's hungry. its time to give in, suck up my pride, guilt and shame. and give her a bottle.
most nights I have a meltdown, crying throwing things, telling myself how much im failing at being a mum, I can't feed my own child, I can't comfort her, nurture her, give her the one thing I need to give her, my body is failing us and all I keep getting told is. it's ok if you can't breastfeed, formula is just as good. they forget that I struggled to feed Dom, that I never had my milk come in despite my best efforts with Joaquin. that I cried every time I gave my children a bottle, every time they were sick, and sick they were. every time they were given prednisolone, antibiotics, then me having to give them pro-biotic's, vitamins everything I can to try and boost their immune system once again. something that wouldn't have happened if I could breastfeed.
so I sit here telling myself how much i'm failing and have failed my children because I want to do what's right, by myself and my children, because I keep telling myself that what was the point of a calm peaceful home birth if I give my child formula and give up breastfeeding, if I give up im telling my kids that when life gets hard, give up, find an easier solution then hate everyone who can do what you s desperately wanted.
but im not giving up, im going to make the next 4 weeks, im going to hit the 3 months mark, cos that's the hardest right? then if I can make it to 3months then I can continue til 6, then I can go another 6. and if I can make it to 12 months then well I can make it another 12 months. then it's up to my daughter whether she continues or doesn't. but I have to make it that' far. I have no choice. I will not fail her like I did my boys. I refuse to.
and whilst im making sure I don't fail at breastfeeding, im going to be trying my hardest to become a peaceful parent. because while I couldn't breastfeed, will not fail at parenting my boys and showing them a loving, kind and understanding mummy.
